Tiffany, Bright and Dark: Exploring My Own Mental Health

There are two things I have struggled with for the majority of my life: my weight and my mental health. I would venture a guess that these two problems go hand in hand. My weight has always felt easier to deal with because it was more concrete. If you eat a lot of unhealthy foods too often, you will gain weight. If you cut back on junk and work out more, you will likely lose weight. It’s easier said than done and in many cases there are other factors at play, in theory though, it’s a fairly simple concept. It’s never been something that inherently bothered me but more so something I learned should bother me from other people, society and clothing brands with non-inclusive sizing.

What was going on in my head on the other hand was much different. Not only was (and is) it inherently problematic but it felt (and continues to feel) like a big mystery. This problem was far less concrete. I think I subconsciously knew I was dealing with something bigger than myself before I ever consciously realized it and I can begin to explain why.

A few years ago my mom pulled out a big bin of books from my childhood that quickly stopped me in my tracks. One of the books was straight up titled something like “Dealing with Anxiety.” I was reading that as a kid? “Didn’t you know there was something wrong with me?” I asked. She just kind of shrugged her shoulders and I don’t blame her. She was probably just happy I was reading. My parents aren’t even originally from this country and I don’t remember anyone talking about mental health/therapy when I was growing up the way we do now. I’m confident that keeping me alive was hard enough but also that there were many other signs.

Looking through this bin, many of the books I was reading dealt with heavy topics. Lisa, Bright and Dark by John Neufield is one I remember clearly. Lisa was a young girl struggling with mental illness. She was really cool and fun to be around some days while other days, not so much. I can’t recall a single specific detail of the story but all these years later I still often think of the title itself. Why? Because I am Lisa, Bright and Dark. Somedays I can really pull it together, crack jokes and be the life of the party. Other days, I simply can’t. Just the thought of being social, seen or possibly judged feels overwhelming and exhausting. I haven’t even left my house today but I have WEPT more than once or even twice if I’m being honest.

These unpredictable periods of darkness can make it difficult to commit to plans. When the time comes I just don’t know whether I’ll be the sun or the moon. Right now in fact I should be sitting in a restaurant enjoying a beautiful French inspired dinner, but the truth is I am unable to. Since I never know when the sun will set and the night will come I also hate to go anywhere I might feel “trapped.” I like to be the driver, fairly close to home or just generally armed with preplanned access to an escape route. These qualities about me can be understandably very annoying but I still don’t know what to say about that. All I can do is agree it’s a problem and be grateful that *finally* as an adult, I can at the very least recognize more about what I’m doing and why. Progress not perfection as they say.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Huh? If you have so many issues like that then why would you become a blogger? Share things so publicly? Post a million stories? The truth is I have no idea, it just happened. The reality of my often poor mental state can be difficult for people to understand for reasons just as that. What you’re seeing is the bright days. At times I wear my mask so well sometimes even I forget it’s there. There are days I do want to share more of the darkness but it feels sh*tty to think you’re coming across as a downer or ungrateful when really I don’t mean to, I’m just having a hard time. I think people closest to me might actually label me as negative when in reality I am just physically hard wired to be anxious. While I am passionate about photography, food, writing, etc. maybe this is a plot twist and the real reason that I’m here is so I can let someone else know that they’re not “crazy” and they’re definitely not alone.

I could go on and on sharing more about various signs from the past, “traumas” that have shaped me, self doubts or discoveries, the never ending hunt for an in network therapist who doesn’t suck, but it’s 5:14PM and I’m yet to eat a single bite today so let’s wrap it up. The selfish reason I wrote this is because it’s therapeutic. I have been feeling so dark for so long that I had lost the urge to even tell any of my stories, good or bad, which I typically love to do. I wanted to put my feelings down on paper but I couldn’t get a single word out. Now that I have addressed even the tip of the iceberg, damn does it feel good!

The other reason I wrote this is for you. You who might be feeling the same way. You who wears a mask, struggles to deal with their emotions or isn’t sure where to get help. You who always felt a little different, confused or misunderstood. I can’t tell you how much better it makes me feel when I realize other people are dealing with what I am so I hope this might help someone else too. The more we talk about these things, the less others will be afraid to and the less ten year olds will sit around rereading depressing books because it’s the only place they think they might find any answers. Maybe I will write a hundred more articles like this, or maybe I’ll never do it again. We’ll see what feels right. For now, I’ll pull out my phone and add “write a blog” to my to do list only so that I can check it off and feel like I’ve accomplished something today. Something is better than nothing I keep telling myself and maybe you should too. Celebrate the little wins. I hope this makes you feel a little lighter.

If you are having dangerous or suicidal thoughts call the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800) 273-8255

Comic by Liz Climo

Memes sourced from @asafeplaceinsideyourhead