Why It Took A Global Pandemic For Me To Finally Start Dating

 

For years, I was highly resistant to online dating. Truthfully, I was highly resistant to any kind of dating. It just never worked out for me – I can admit I wasn’t always an innocent party nor was I known for having the best taste in men. I was a red flag collector and it wasn’t pretty. As any exhausted woman might, I gave up. I went to weddings alone and spent Valentine’s Day courting whatever sweets my students had showered me with. I’d never dreamt of myself in a white dress or felt confident I would be capable of/wanted to raise children, so it felt like a completely rational decision. “Why bother?” I had concluded. With everything else on my plate (metaphorically and physically), I could not find a single sh*t to give when it came to meeting new romantic prospects.

 

 

 

 

Men rarely crossed my path that made me feel anything, so I figured if it happened, it happened and if not… whatever. It took quite a while, but as you may have guessed the unthinkable did indeed occur. I’d met someone who made me feel feelings. It was horrible. Completely exhausted after a long day of work, I debated cancelling my plans for hours, but at the last minute I decided to suck it up and go. My outfit was not well thought out and I wasn’t wearing a stitch of makeup. This was not a date and I was not on the prowl, but as fate would have it we were randomly introduced. Despite my best efforts, I was my absolute weirdest that night, but none of that mattered. By the end of the evening, I knew that he was a flirt and I was in deep sh*t. The real trouble started when I realized he began to hold my undivided attention. Things progressed, but there was a shift on his part and nothing felt truly hopeful from then on. The agony was unbearable. The betrayal by my own body and mind was too much. HOW did I let this happen? He drove me crazy – not an uncommon experience for me with men.

 

 

 

 

I felt like he was constantly gaslighting me and no matter what I did for him, I just couldn’t get the slightest bit back in return. We clearly had different love languages, or maybe, I was the only person speaking one. He’d told me he was selfish, but I didn’t really hear it – I should have. When people tell you things like that make sure you listen because they mean it. I can’t fully blame him, I was breaking my own heart over and over. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I felt so connected to this person and how I could detach. I was back in the same position I’d strategically and purposely been avoiding all these years.

Shocking, right? Who could’ve seen that coming? Me, thats who. I saw it coming.

 

 

 

 

As someone who suffers from an anxiety disorder, it’s especially hard not to fixate on stressful situations. When I’m in anguish like that it always reminds me of a line from a movie you may have seen:

“How happy is the blameless vessel’s lot? The world forgetting by the world forgot. The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.”

Doesn’t that sound tempting? Remove all of it please, I’m done. While I couldn’t have my mind Men-In-Black-style erased, it did become clear that I needed to figure out how to do it myself. I would never get what I needed from him and what do you stand to gain from someone who doesn’t want to spend time with you? Hurt people hurt people. No one can fix you and you can’t fix anyone else. How many more cliche quotes can I fit in here? I’m not sure, but I do know all of these ones are true. While this realization of a very serious need to move on hurt, it also was kind of freeing. Finally, I decided I was ready to stop hitting myself with a hammer. Sort of. I knew I couldn’t really handle being friends with him so I’m not – with the understanding that if he called right now I’d pick up the phone in a heartbeat.

 

 

 

 

 

At the time of this awakening, New York was being absolutely pummeled by Coronavirus. I had drastic reduction in client work and more time than I knew what to do with. A large majority of my friends were happy to just be with their partners or kids. While reproducing will always give me the shivers and I’ll never stop craving adventure, I realized they may have been on to something. The world was built for two and I felt alone in many ways. Since entering my 30’s, it especially seemed as if everyone was boarding this figurative ark and Noah had found a partner for everyone but me. It’s the highest form of not being picked for anyones team in gym class. I can count the number of single friends I have on one hand. ONE HAND. It was time.

 

 

 

 

In many ways, I still have absolutely no idea what I want, but I’ve accepted that I do possess the desire to find “my person.” I’m not sure I would ever have realized that if I’d remained so closed off. Yes work on you, yes heal you, but do not give up on you. As it turns out, I may not have learned anything about that guy, but I did learn a whole lot about myself. I do want a partner. It’s not because I’m in a race to the chapel or have the intention of “settling down,” but I’d love to find someone who generally kind of gets me. Someone who wants to discover and create things with me. Someone who enjoys fried chicken and dumplings as much as I do. Someone who makes me feel so secure in the way they feel about me that I can keep my anxiety at bay. This is easily the most mushy thing I have ever divulged about love. After all these years, I was ready and I wanted to do this for me. That’s great, right?! Except oh yeah, there’s a global pandemic and the entire world is shut down.

 

 

 

 

 

So in throws of quarantining and breaking my own heart over and over, I finally started swiping. It was my only option. I did it kind of a lot and with some real intention. It has been a far from ideal experience honestly, but I’m learning and that’s a big part of my point. We’re all kind of fu*ked up, not just you. If you find yourself surrounded by a sea of couples on the regular, it’s OK to feel a little jealous or sh*tty about it. I think there are times when we all do. Remind yourself that what they’ve got going on isn’t perfect either – all relationships are complicated no matter who they are with and it’s important to learn from them. If you find yourself resonating with my experience, what you need to do about it is SOMETHING. You have to get out there (on your phone) and meet (swipe on) new people. It’s the only way you’ll figure out what you want and who you want. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… there is hope?

 

 

 

 

 

 

PS. If you are one of my very happily married friends who’s never really had to deal with this, that’s great! I’m so happy for you and not to be rude but please please please refrain from reaching out to me with your pity. I know you have the best intentions and TY but ILYSM for not 😘 To my single ladies (or even dudes) it’s tough out there and I FEEL YOU. Reach out anytime ✌🏼